The Truth

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This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in months.  This may be the whitest thing I’ve ever seen.  Listen to the announcer and imagine hearing the whitest person you know talking.  He says, “Hey, wait a minute.  Wait a minute.  You’re going the wrong way!  Holy Moly!  How often do ya see than?”  I laughed so hard I cried a little.  holy moly.

Decca Media is a marketing agency in Atlanta.  It is the best advertising agency in Atlanta.

Bill Compton telling sookie She Is Pregnant. at AutoTrader.com

Bristol Palin had some insightful politically commentary that hit the media today. 

Yesterday, Bristol Palin criticized the President’s stance on gay marriage.  Her main criticism was that Obama said that his daughters influenced his opinion about same sex marriage because, “they have friends who have parents that are same-sex couples.”

"It wouldn’t dawn on them that somehow their friends’ parents would be treated differently," Obama said. "And frankly that’s the kind of thing that prompts a change of perspective - not wanting to somehow explain to your child why somebody should be treated differently when it comes to the eyes of the law."

That makes sense, right?  Not if you’re a Palin.  So let the sarcasm begin….

  (p.s. - I added the unquoted parts to help bristol more clearly communicate her ideals.)

Bristol’s response was, “While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads.”

- And dads are supposed to hang out, drink beer and ride snow mobiles while their wives solicit money from evangelicals (Todd Palin).

                         - Or better yet -

- Have their names tattooed on their forearms and leave their child to do pistachio commercials after babymamma’s mamma doesn’t win VP (Levi Johnston).

Bristol continued, “In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage.”

-Ms. Palin makes a solid argument here because she didn’t spend any time thinking about marriage; bypassing the institution entirely, and opting for the more accepted “single teenage mother” sacrament.  She isn’t a hypocrite, she is progressive.  I’m going to call her B-Pal now.

She went on to say, “Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.”

-I’m not sure into what shape Todd Palin has molded his children’s world views, so I can’t comment.  But the guy wanted to be called “first dude”, so I’m sure that culture floods the Palin house every night before wwf wrestling comes on.

More Palin quotes: “So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?” Palin wondered.

-Yes, because your father is an uninformed idiot.

B-Pal keeps the material flowing with, “In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee,”

-She is definitely Sarah’s daughter.  Look at the part I made bold. That’s what I want from my leader.  Listen to my opinion, and then “shape my thoughts” so that I believe what they need to further their agendas.

B-Pal did make one point that is 100% correct.  “Glee” is an awful show.  And since she is pretty hot, I don’t mind seeing her in the news.  I am also glad that she is showing an interest in the family business of mouthdumping.  I can’t wait for Trig to get old enough to give us his opinions.  They may be more coherent than his mothers’.

rest in peace, junior seau.  thanks for the memories and we’ll miss you, man.

Baby Bird Calling at Summit Cafe

One of the biggest problems with American society is arrogance and narcissism.  These two character flaws detrimentally impact nearly all interactions including political, business, and social.

Politically they create partisan behavior and open the doors for big money corruption.  In business, they pave the way for greedy and unethical practices.  And socially, they encourage selfish snobbery and douchebaggery.  With just a few minutes of thought, I’m sure that everyone can think of a situation where arrogance or narcissism has caused unnecessary pain or turmoil.

I have figured out a socially radical way that we can eliminate these problems from wreaking more havoc to our already tumultuous and polarized society…

All political, business, and social interactions should be done in underwear and no make up.

Before, you attack me for being a pervert, let me emphasize that this would only be a pleasurable experience for about 2% of the population.  I don’t want to see most women in their unmentionables without make up and I don’t care to see any men in their briefs.

I know many of you are saying, “Daniel, this is ludicrous.  How will this help anything?”

I will answer will a situation we can all relate too.  Think about when you are at the beach or the pool.  Think about how humble girls are when you can see their whole body, their make up is washed off, their hair has is flat and lifeless all under the bright natural sun.

Now think about how humble men are when you can see their fat bellies, wimpy arms, flat chests, and hairy backs.

Now are you seeing the picture I am painting?  By exposing people’s physical inadequacies, you create an environment where only the truly confident and intelligent will speak and be heard.  No more hiding behind hours of “getting ready” and designer clothes.

Now what about people who are blessed with extreme physical attractiveness?

Most of these people aren’t smart enough to interact at high levels.  If someone is super attractive AND intelligent, then good for them; they are demigods.

Here are some real life examples that should make you think about the viability of this concept.

1.  Rush Limbaugh:  Do you think he would be so tough if he wasn’t hiding behind a microphone and oxycontin induced delusions?

2.  Newt Gingrich:  It’s hard to be an arrogant dick when everyone can see that you are 70 years old and have the body of a wrinkled New Years’ baby.

3.  Hillary Clinton:  It is hard to come across as a strong woman when your boobs hang below your navel and your penis hangs farther.

4.  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Leader of Iran):  Nuclear proliferation would become less of a priority when you have to hide your 2 inch brown sand worm from the world.

5.  Female Jersey Shore cast (sober):  I can’t even imagine what that pigfest would look like with bronzer, hair extensions, eye lash extensions, implants, corsets, high heels, ounces of make up and faux celebrity status.

6.  Bitchy girls in clubs:  Watch how they scamper for shelter like german cockroaches when the lights come on at last call.

7.  Douche bag guys in clubs:  It’s amazing how no alcohol and designer shirts wipe that shit eating smirk of their faces.

8.  Any Hollywood twit that wants to express their uninformed political and social views:  I’ve seen pictures of Cameron Diaz without make and she looks like a Mongolian catfish.  No wonder Timberlake left her.

9.  The Baldwins:  Not that any of them are even A-listers, but I wouldn’t be impressed by an oaf that’s hairier than a Sasquatch.

10.  The obese:  Self-explanatory.

The above were examples that my theory would bring down a peg.  The following is a list of people that may benefit from working in your skivvies.

1.  Greedy corporate executives, board members, and bankers:  It would be a tad more believable when they tell us they used their government bail out money for good when they aren’t wearing $5000 Zegna suits.

2.  Barack Obama:  He is already handsome, intelligent, and eloquent, imagine if he had a “jungle dong” under that kevlar suit.

3.  Sarah Palin:  She is a milf and extremely overconfident.  Getting her out of her “naughty secretary” costume into lingerie doesn’t seem that hard and it would distract us from the brain dead rhetoric that leaves her mouth.

4.  Strippers:  We’re in their world now.

5.  The Homeless:  We may be more apt to give them money because the smell of urine and malt liquor won’t radiate from their clothes.

6.  Lesbians:  They don’t wear make up and already have short hair.  They will probably get more respect because people will think that they are dealing with a man.

You can see how the list of beneficiaries of the under wear and no make up plan is shorter and shakier than the list of people that it will silence.  Further evidence that we need to push for this radical social change.

Get the word out!  Propose this for the next company sales meeting, job interview, or any other negotiation style interaction.  I promise this will change the world!

Bill Compton Explaining Some Difficulties With Casting at QuikTrip

Sounds from Sunday morning

Bill Compton Heeds A Warning.

As a retired Ob/Gyn, Ron Paul has seen a lot of pussies. I wonder how he is going to handle a bunch of assholes in the Iowa Caucus tonight.  I hope that he brings that big, opener that ob/gyns use.

Ann Coulter

If you follow me on Twitter, you heard my simple, one-sentence, description of Ann Coulter - “Ann Coulter is c**t.”  While that statement is more crass than I prefer to be, it was the nicest thing I could think to say about this man-faced, Nazi woman.

Coulter is a right-wing, talking head and contributor to Fox News.  Her newest revelation was one of the most racist things I have ever heard.  Here is what she said when explaining why conservative Blacks are so much better than liberal Blacks:

"Our blacks are so much better than their blacks," Coulter told Fox News. "To become a black Republican, you don’t just roll into it. You’re not going with the flow. You have fought against probably your family members, probably your neighbors, you have thought everything out and that’s why we have very impressive blacks in our party."

She continued in another interview, “I’m saying Google Maxine Waters, Cynthia McKinney, John Conyers, and then Google Allen West, Michael Steele or Herman Cain. … Ours are more impressive. There’s no question about it.”

Wow.  When I heard her say this the other day, I sat speechless for a least 3 minutes.  Then, I thought that I should email Ms. Coulter and offer $5.50/lb for some of “their good ones.”  ;)

What did Ann Coulter mean when she said, “Our Blacks are so much better than their blacks.”?

She is saying that conservative blacks are better because they pander to whims of conservative whites.  They basically agree with the ideology that they shouldn’t be allowed to vote, get an education, or use the same water fountains as whites.  Conservative blacks are essentially okay with Jim Crow Laws.

If I were black, I would consider conservative blacks to be “Uncle Toms.”  Right-wing pundits are now attacking Obama for not being black enough.  They say that Herman Cain is “a real black.”

What makes Cain a real black and Obama not black enough?

1. Education: Herman Cain went to Morehouse College, which is a black college.

Barack Obama went to Harvard, a white school.  Black Edge: Cain

2. Personal Life:  Herman Cain has been in the national spotlight for only 2 months and already has 2 sexual harassment charges against him.

Barack Obama has had the right gunning for him nearly 4 years and he is still known to be a committed family man.  Black Edge:  Cain


3. Speaking Ability:  Herman Cain sings gospel songs and makes up words as he goes.  For instance, when defending himself against his sexually harassing past, Cain said that he “couldn’t recollate details from 12 years ago.”  Contextually, I assume he meant “recollect.”  But I am not an English teacher so maybe I’m overstepping my boundary by pointing out that Herman Cain doesn’t speak real English.

Barack Obama is one of the most eloquent and refined orators I have ever seen.  He uses real words and speaks proper English.  Black Edge:  Cain

4. Color:  Herman Cain is a much darker shade of black than Barack Obama.

             Black Edge:  Cain

5. Apparel:  Herman Cain is flashy dresser.  Oftentimes, he appears wearing fancy hats, like he is going to Red Lobster after church.

Barack Obama wears professional suits appropriate for his position. 

               Black Edge: Cain

Well, this totally official checklist proves that Herman Cain is blacker than Barack Obama.

Where does this leave us?

The same place as we were last week.  Conservatives like blacks that act like “the good ones.”  They like the simple blacks like Skynard’s Curtis Lowe, who would play you a song if you gave him a fifth of wine.

Here is my message to conservative, Republican Blacks:

Way to go! You are setting your people back 50 years.

Love,

Daniel